Monday, April 25, 2005
Emotions
She walked into the room and felt a chill creep up her spine. Her stomach clenched into a knot. Something did not feel right. She looked around her to see if she could see any reason for this unsettling feeling. She felt eyes on the back of her neck as if somewhere someone was watching her. She shivered and wrapped a sweater around herself as she reached for the phone.
She slammed the car door behind her as she jammed the key into the ignition. Who did he think he was? How dare he say that to her. The car engine turned over with a lurch. She quickly shifted the gearshift into reverse and slammed her foot down on the gas. SMASH!!
The sound of birds chirping drifted into the room along with a gentle, warm breeze that swept through the window. His eyes slowly opened from his cozy slumber. As he lay in bed with the sweet breeze caressing him, a smile slowly crept over his face. He rolled over and wrapped his arm around his sleeping fiancée. Today was their wedding day.
She walked into the room and felt a chill creep up her spine. Her stomach clenched into a knot. Something did not feel right. She looked around her to see if she could see any reason for this unsettling feeling. She felt eyes on the back of her neck as if somewhere someone was watching her. She shivered and wrapped a sweater around herself as she reached for the phone.
She slammed the car door behind her as she jammed the key into the ignition. Who did he think he was? How dare he say that to her. The car engine turned over with a lurch. She quickly shifted the gearshift into reverse and slammed her foot down on the gas. SMASH!!
The sound of birds chirping drifted into the room along with a gentle, warm breeze that swept through the window. His eyes slowly opened from his cozy slumber. As he lay in bed with the sweet breeze caressing him, a smile slowly crept over his face. He rolled over and wrapped his arm around his sleeping fiancée. Today was their wedding day.
Monday, April 18, 2005
“Probably”
He sat there and stacked his books on his desk while he dialed the phone. He knew that she would probably be mad at him. I mean he had said that he would call almost two weeks ago. It was just so difficult with his schedule lately. He really had been busy though. With getting ready to graduate and all of his class work and coaching hockey, and working, well he was just so exhausted by the time he got home at night that he really did usually end up cramming some school work in and collapsing in bed.
She probably thought that he was blowing her off though, or just being insensitive or distant again. She probably thought that he had gotten scared of the idea of commitment again and decided to run away. Just because he had done that in the past didn’t mean that he’d always be that way. He had told her that, but he probably really had kind of not exemplified that this time. He meant to be different and put more effort in this time.
The thing he hated though is that even though they had agreed to just take things slow this time and be casual and see where things led, he knew that she was still probably wanting more and expecting phone calls almost every day, and that she probably wanted him to try and come up and see her on weekends. Even though she said that she wanted things to be casual right now also, and that she wasn’t ready to jump into another relationship, he had seen the look in her eyes when she laid there in his arms. She had had that whole dreamy look, that “I want you to be my boyfriend” look.
Oh god here it goes, the phone was ringing. Alright be cool man, just say hey and that you’re sorry you didn’t call sooner…
“Hello”
“Hey, it’s me.”
“Oh hey what’s up?”
“I’m soo sorry I haven’t called you sooner, I’ve just been so crazy busy the last two weeks, school’s been crazy and I’ve been coaching hockey three times a week, and my boss kept calling me in to work extra shifts, and well yea, so I really have meant to call you sooner..”
“Don’t worry bout it, seriously, its ok.. I’ve been really busy too. We said this was casual this time. It’s ok. It’s just good to hear from you now. So what’s been going on?”
He sat there and stacked his books on his desk while he dialed the phone. He knew that she would probably be mad at him. I mean he had said that he would call almost two weeks ago. It was just so difficult with his schedule lately. He really had been busy though. With getting ready to graduate and all of his class work and coaching hockey, and working, well he was just so exhausted by the time he got home at night that he really did usually end up cramming some school work in and collapsing in bed.
She probably thought that he was blowing her off though, or just being insensitive or distant again. She probably thought that he had gotten scared of the idea of commitment again and decided to run away. Just because he had done that in the past didn’t mean that he’d always be that way. He had told her that, but he probably really had kind of not exemplified that this time. He meant to be different and put more effort in this time.
The thing he hated though is that even though they had agreed to just take things slow this time and be casual and see where things led, he knew that she was still probably wanting more and expecting phone calls almost every day, and that she probably wanted him to try and come up and see her on weekends. Even though she said that she wanted things to be casual right now also, and that she wasn’t ready to jump into another relationship, he had seen the look in her eyes when she laid there in his arms. She had had that whole dreamy look, that “I want you to be my boyfriend” look.
Oh god here it goes, the phone was ringing. Alright be cool man, just say hey and that you’re sorry you didn’t call sooner…
“Hello”
“Hey, it’s me.”
“Oh hey what’s up?”
“I’m soo sorry I haven’t called you sooner, I’ve just been so crazy busy the last two weeks, school’s been crazy and I’ve been coaching hockey three times a week, and my boss kept calling me in to work extra shifts, and well yea, so I really have meant to call you sooner..”
“Don’t worry bout it, seriously, its ok.. I’ve been really busy too. We said this was casual this time. It’s ok. It’s just good to hear from you now. So what’s been going on?”
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
Childhood Memory
Lyssie’s coming over tonight! I love it when she comes over, we always get to play fun games and dress up. Ooh there’s the doorbell.
“Hi. Quick come look! My mommy got me some new dress up clothes we can play with.”
“Oh goody!” We ran upstairs and started going through the pile. Alyssa pulled out the Cinderella dress and began to hold it up to herself. I quickly grabbed it back from her.
“No, that one’s mine.”
“Well you can share can’t you? You get to wear it all the time.”
“No, I’m Cinderella, you can be everyone else.”
“You’re always Cinderella.”
“Too bad, it’s my house and we can play how I want to or you can’t wear any of the clothes.”
“Fine, it’s more fun being all the other characters anyway.”
We put on the clothes and began to dance around making up our story for the day.
It was one of the first really cold days that November, and my dad loved making fires in the fireplace when it got cold. My mom was popping popcorn and getting out board games for the family to play together around the fire. She was also trying to do some laundry in the laundry room. Lyssie and I went dancing through the kitchen twirling to show my parents our pretty outfits. My dad finished building the fire and closed the glass doors. Then he picked up the newspaper and went back to his big recliner chair to settle in.
“Ooh look Lyssie, there’s a fire in the fireplace, now we really can pretend to be Cinderella.” The two of us gathered by the fire and couldn’t stop looking at the dancing flames. Lyssie reached forward and touched the glass. Then she suddenly began doing this funny dance jumping up and down running around the house holding her finger. I was still too interested in the dancing flames to really pay attention to her. I reached forward and touched the glass myself. Then this horrible tingling took over my finger. Oh my god it hurt! I clutched my finger with my other hand and began running around after Lyssie. Then I began to cry. Oh it hurt so bad! My mom came running out of the laundry room to see what all the noise was about. I ran to her and buried my face in her stomach.
“Oh mommy, my finger hurts!”
“What happened?”
“We were playing Cinderella and we touched the fire.”
“You silly girls, the glass gets hot when it’s over the fire.”
She took us by the wrists and walked us over to the sink. She then put both our hands under cold water. Finally, the tingling began to feel numb and go away. She took us upstairs and put some funny smelling cream on our fingers and wrapped them up with band aids. Then we all went back downstairs where the popcorn was ready. Then we all sat down around the table in the den and played Candy land.
Lyssie’s coming over tonight! I love it when she comes over, we always get to play fun games and dress up. Ooh there’s the doorbell.
“Hi. Quick come look! My mommy got me some new dress up clothes we can play with.”
“Oh goody!” We ran upstairs and started going through the pile. Alyssa pulled out the Cinderella dress and began to hold it up to herself. I quickly grabbed it back from her.
“No, that one’s mine.”
“Well you can share can’t you? You get to wear it all the time.”
“No, I’m Cinderella, you can be everyone else.”
“You’re always Cinderella.”
“Too bad, it’s my house and we can play how I want to or you can’t wear any of the clothes.”
“Fine, it’s more fun being all the other characters anyway.”
We put on the clothes and began to dance around making up our story for the day.
It was one of the first really cold days that November, and my dad loved making fires in the fireplace when it got cold. My mom was popping popcorn and getting out board games for the family to play together around the fire. She was also trying to do some laundry in the laundry room. Lyssie and I went dancing through the kitchen twirling to show my parents our pretty outfits. My dad finished building the fire and closed the glass doors. Then he picked up the newspaper and went back to his big recliner chair to settle in.
“Ooh look Lyssie, there’s a fire in the fireplace, now we really can pretend to be Cinderella.” The two of us gathered by the fire and couldn’t stop looking at the dancing flames. Lyssie reached forward and touched the glass. Then she suddenly began doing this funny dance jumping up and down running around the house holding her finger. I was still too interested in the dancing flames to really pay attention to her. I reached forward and touched the glass myself. Then this horrible tingling took over my finger. Oh my god it hurt! I clutched my finger with my other hand and began running around after Lyssie. Then I began to cry. Oh it hurt so bad! My mom came running out of the laundry room to see what all the noise was about. I ran to her and buried my face in her stomach.
“Oh mommy, my finger hurts!”
“What happened?”
“We were playing Cinderella and we touched the fire.”
“You silly girls, the glass gets hot when it’s over the fire.”
She took us by the wrists and walked us over to the sink. She then put both our hands under cold water. Finally, the tingling began to feel numb and go away. She took us upstairs and put some funny smelling cream on our fingers and wrapped them up with band aids. Then we all went back downstairs where the popcorn was ready. Then we all sat down around the table in the den and played Candy land.
Monday, April 04, 2005
Fixed up version for my second draft- comments appreciated Thanks!
Katie sat at her computer typing a paper when the phone began to ring behind her. She got up and walked across the room to answer it.
“Hello.”
“Hi.”
“Oh hey babe. What’s going on?” she asked.
“We need to talk. There’s been a lot on my mind. I think we need some space for awhile,” a man’s voice answered.
“What? Richard, why?” Katie began to whimper.
“Wait shh babe, don’t cry, let me explain. I just have a list of reasons and concerns I need to discuss with you. I think our relationship has reached a crossroads, we’re a little bit different and I just have some conditions for you to consider for us to stay together, that’s all” Richard answered.
“What type of conditions? I’m so confused,” Katie sputtered sitting down on the bed.
“You’re not going to like all of these, but they’re important to me; important for us” Richard said.
“Just tell me and let me decide that. I don’t want us to break up so I’ll listen with an open mind, I promise,” Katie said.
“I knew you would. Okay, well, first and foremost I want us to repent for our sins. I want to be your spiritual advisor and guide you down the path to righteousness,” he answered.
Katie stared at the phone in shock.
“Where the fuck is this coming from? What sins? I mean I know I’m not perfect, but I don’t really seem to remember straying off the path of righteousness,” she responded. Katie sat Indian style on her bed holding a pillow to her stomach, clutching the phone in her hand with white knuckles.
“Stop cursing, I’ve told you before its unladylike and I don’t like it,” he sighed and continued. “I want you to finally know me for the real me. Before I met you I didn’t believe in premarital sex. Then I gave up my morals for you. I want us to repent for that sin we committed. I want us to be born again virgins until marriage. In fact, until marriage I want us to give up lust completely. No lustful actions at all, except for kissing, and no lustful thoughts. Lust is one of the seven deadly sins and I don’t want to think of my wife in a lustful way. I want you to be wholesome,” Richard proclaimed, shuffling through his papers.
Katie sat there listening to him in shock. Who was this man? She had been dating him for the last six months, yet as he spoke to her now with his lists and his Bible, preaching to her about repenting and spiritual advisors, she realized she didn’t know him at all. This was definitely not the man she had fallen in love with.
“Do you want me standing there like Betty Crocker with a Bible in my apron pocket, barefoot and pregnant? This is ridiculous, Richard. No lustful thoughts? No lustful actions until marriage? That’s not even realistic. And I never forced you to give up your morals. You chose to sleep with me. I never tied you to the bed and made you,” Katie argued.
He spoke with such a bitter tone in his voice. There suddenly was no emotion there. It was scary.
“Katie you don’t get it. I can’t love you until you accept these conditions. I thought I loved you, but now I realize I can only say I care about you, because you’re not what I need you to be yet. I need us to view the Bible the same way and turn to it for answers to our spiritual questions. I need you to view moral issues the same way I do. Right now you’re still a baby killer because you believe in abortion,” he said.
“A baby killer?!? What the hell? I never said I would have one, I just said that a woman had the right to choose. And what the hell does that make you? You’re in the military for Chrissakes!!” Katie interrupted angrily.
“Please do not use the lord’s name in vain,” he said with an eerie sense of calmness. “And that is different. I’m giving back to our country. I’m doing it for honor. Here let me read these Bible passages to you and try to make you see the error of your ways,” Richard reprimanded.
“Richard, you know I don’t view the Bible the same way as you. It’s not a literal text, it’s there for reference…” she started to say, then he cut her off,
“Can’t you just sit there and listen for a second? I’m trying to prove a point to you. The answers are right here.” He began to read from the Bible.
Katie’s mind was racing a mile a minute. Who was he? How could he turn all of his emotions off like a light switch? And why was he saying that she had to change? Why was she automatically the wrong one? This was not Richard.
Just earlier today he had been joking around on the phone with her about getting a cat together. She was allergic to certain cats, yet for some reason she was not allergic to her roommate’s. So he had been saying he’d take her to the animal shelter and hold up all the cats in her face until they found one she was okay with. And now this? Now he couldn’t love her until she met his conditions? That was not love. Love had no conditions, that’s why they called it unconditional. It was supposed to be a give and take relationship, with compromises. Where were the compromises? She slightly tuned back in to listen to him, he was droning on now about condemning premarital sex, wait and homosexuality? She was immediately jerked back from her thoughts. Her godmother was gay and he knew that.
“Wait were you just saying that you condemn homosexuals?” she cut in.
“I do not condemn homosexuals, I just condemn their actions. They’re sinners in the eyes of God,” he replied. Her stomach began to heave. She had never been so consumed with feelings of love and hate at the same time. She thought she loved this man, yet at the moment all she could feel were feelings of repulsion by him.
“How could you say that? God created them the way they are, how could He then condemn them for acting out the way they are?” she asked.
“He might have created them that way, but to be true Christians, they are supposed to overcome their lustful cravings and become stronger because of these cravings by denying them and staying on the path of righteousness.” He responded.
“So you’re saying that they’re just supposed to spend their whole lives being miserable and denying their true identities? I somehow find it hard to believe that that was God’s intent for them.” Katie responded bitterly throwing a pillow off the bed at the wall, wishing he was there so she could hit him.
“See this is what I mean,” He frantically flipped through the pages and began to read from another Bible passage about two yolks bouncing off each other. “I interpret this passage to mean that a Christian is not supposed to marry a non- Christian, they’d never mesh,” he angrily stated. He took a deep breath and continued quietly, “What I’m basically trying to say Katie, is that although, you’re supposedly a Christian, we believe in two different Gods, that is why I cannot love you or marry you until you accept my God.”
“Just because I do not want to believe that God is a Zeus- like figure sitting up on a throne with a lightning bolt waiting to strike us down if we do not follow His rules and regulations for getting into the pearly white gates, does not make me any less of a Christian than you. I’m sorry if I’d rather believe that God is a caring and benevolent soul that accepts and loves us as long as we try to be good and caring people and live the best lives we can,” she choked out with tears running down her face. She began to reach to her night table to grab for tissues.
“Ugh whatever, you’re not seeing reason. There’s punishment for your actions!” he sputtered out.
“But I don’t believe my actions or beliefs are wrong. Can’t you understand that? This is who I am. It’s okay that we don’t believe the same thing, we can find a common ground, and try to be open-minded to learn from each other’s beliefs,” she said tearfully.
“That’s not how it works Katie!” he sighed exasperated. “I think I need space for awhile. I just can’t be with you right now. I need you to evaluate yourself and to agree with me. I can’t be with someone that doesn’t believe what I believe. I need you to start your path to discovery; confess your sins to your friends and family. I’ll check back on you in a week or so and see about your progress. If you can see the error of your ways, maybe then we can be together. Otherwise right now I just really cannot see how I can be with you,” Richard said.
Katie began to weep into the phone quietly. He sat there silently listening to her for a moment then he cleared his throat and began to speak again, “I do care about you Katie, and I do want to be with you, that’s why I’m trying to save you. I just need you to see what I see.” Then he hung up the phone.
Katie sat there listening to the dial tone buzzing in her ear for awhile. Then she finally hung up the phone. She sat there twisting the tissue in her hands. Then she wiped the wet tears from under her eyes and took a deep breath. Finally, she stood up and walked to her computer. She scrolled through her play list, hit a selection and turned up the volume. The song ‘Every Rose Has it’s Thorn’ came blaring from the speakers. Then she slowly began to take down the pictures of the two of them down from her walls. She already knew her answer for him. She wasn’t changing herself for anyone.
Katie sat at her computer typing a paper when the phone began to ring behind her. She got up and walked across the room to answer it.
“Hello.”
“Hi.”
“Oh hey babe. What’s going on?” she asked.
“We need to talk. There’s been a lot on my mind. I think we need some space for awhile,” a man’s voice answered.
“What? Richard, why?” Katie began to whimper.
“Wait shh babe, don’t cry, let me explain. I just have a list of reasons and concerns I need to discuss with you. I think our relationship has reached a crossroads, we’re a little bit different and I just have some conditions for you to consider for us to stay together, that’s all” Richard answered.
“What type of conditions? I’m so confused,” Katie sputtered sitting down on the bed.
“You’re not going to like all of these, but they’re important to me; important for us” Richard said.
“Just tell me and let me decide that. I don’t want us to break up so I’ll listen with an open mind, I promise,” Katie said.
“I knew you would. Okay, well, first and foremost I want us to repent for our sins. I want to be your spiritual advisor and guide you down the path to righteousness,” he answered.
Katie stared at the phone in shock.
“Where the fuck is this coming from? What sins? I mean I know I’m not perfect, but I don’t really seem to remember straying off the path of righteousness,” she responded. Katie sat Indian style on her bed holding a pillow to her stomach, clutching the phone in her hand with white knuckles.
“Stop cursing, I’ve told you before its unladylike and I don’t like it,” he sighed and continued. “I want you to finally know me for the real me. Before I met you I didn’t believe in premarital sex. Then I gave up my morals for you. I want us to repent for that sin we committed. I want us to be born again virgins until marriage. In fact, until marriage I want us to give up lust completely. No lustful actions at all, except for kissing, and no lustful thoughts. Lust is one of the seven deadly sins and I don’t want to think of my wife in a lustful way. I want you to be wholesome,” Richard proclaimed, shuffling through his papers.
Katie sat there listening to him in shock. Who was this man? She had been dating him for the last six months, yet as he spoke to her now with his lists and his Bible, preaching to her about repenting and spiritual advisors, she realized she didn’t know him at all. This was definitely not the man she had fallen in love with.
“Do you want me standing there like Betty Crocker with a Bible in my apron pocket, barefoot and pregnant? This is ridiculous, Richard. No lustful thoughts? No lustful actions until marriage? That’s not even realistic. And I never forced you to give up your morals. You chose to sleep with me. I never tied you to the bed and made you,” Katie argued.
He spoke with such a bitter tone in his voice. There suddenly was no emotion there. It was scary.
“Katie you don’t get it. I can’t love you until you accept these conditions. I thought I loved you, but now I realize I can only say I care about you, because you’re not what I need you to be yet. I need us to view the Bible the same way and turn to it for answers to our spiritual questions. I need you to view moral issues the same way I do. Right now you’re still a baby killer because you believe in abortion,” he said.
“A baby killer?!? What the hell? I never said I would have one, I just said that a woman had the right to choose. And what the hell does that make you? You’re in the military for Chrissakes!!” Katie interrupted angrily.
“Please do not use the lord’s name in vain,” he said with an eerie sense of calmness. “And that is different. I’m giving back to our country. I’m doing it for honor. Here let me read these Bible passages to you and try to make you see the error of your ways,” Richard reprimanded.
“Richard, you know I don’t view the Bible the same way as you. It’s not a literal text, it’s there for reference…” she started to say, then he cut her off,
“Can’t you just sit there and listen for a second? I’m trying to prove a point to you. The answers are right here.” He began to read from the Bible.
Katie’s mind was racing a mile a minute. Who was he? How could he turn all of his emotions off like a light switch? And why was he saying that she had to change? Why was she automatically the wrong one? This was not Richard.
Just earlier today he had been joking around on the phone with her about getting a cat together. She was allergic to certain cats, yet for some reason she was not allergic to her roommate’s. So he had been saying he’d take her to the animal shelter and hold up all the cats in her face until they found one she was okay with. And now this? Now he couldn’t love her until she met his conditions? That was not love. Love had no conditions, that’s why they called it unconditional. It was supposed to be a give and take relationship, with compromises. Where were the compromises? She slightly tuned back in to listen to him, he was droning on now about condemning premarital sex, wait and homosexuality? She was immediately jerked back from her thoughts. Her godmother was gay and he knew that.
“Wait were you just saying that you condemn homosexuals?” she cut in.
“I do not condemn homosexuals, I just condemn their actions. They’re sinners in the eyes of God,” he replied. Her stomach began to heave. She had never been so consumed with feelings of love and hate at the same time. She thought she loved this man, yet at the moment all she could feel were feelings of repulsion by him.
“How could you say that? God created them the way they are, how could He then condemn them for acting out the way they are?” she asked.
“He might have created them that way, but to be true Christians, they are supposed to overcome their lustful cravings and become stronger because of these cravings by denying them and staying on the path of righteousness.” He responded.
“So you’re saying that they’re just supposed to spend their whole lives being miserable and denying their true identities? I somehow find it hard to believe that that was God’s intent for them.” Katie responded bitterly throwing a pillow off the bed at the wall, wishing he was there so she could hit him.
“See this is what I mean,” He frantically flipped through the pages and began to read from another Bible passage about two yolks bouncing off each other. “I interpret this passage to mean that a Christian is not supposed to marry a non- Christian, they’d never mesh,” he angrily stated. He took a deep breath and continued quietly, “What I’m basically trying to say Katie, is that although, you’re supposedly a Christian, we believe in two different Gods, that is why I cannot love you or marry you until you accept my God.”
“Just because I do not want to believe that God is a Zeus- like figure sitting up on a throne with a lightning bolt waiting to strike us down if we do not follow His rules and regulations for getting into the pearly white gates, does not make me any less of a Christian than you. I’m sorry if I’d rather believe that God is a caring and benevolent soul that accepts and loves us as long as we try to be good and caring people and live the best lives we can,” she choked out with tears running down her face. She began to reach to her night table to grab for tissues.
“Ugh whatever, you’re not seeing reason. There’s punishment for your actions!” he sputtered out.
“But I don’t believe my actions or beliefs are wrong. Can’t you understand that? This is who I am. It’s okay that we don’t believe the same thing, we can find a common ground, and try to be open-minded to learn from each other’s beliefs,” she said tearfully.
“That’s not how it works Katie!” he sighed exasperated. “I think I need space for awhile. I just can’t be with you right now. I need you to evaluate yourself and to agree with me. I can’t be with someone that doesn’t believe what I believe. I need you to start your path to discovery; confess your sins to your friends and family. I’ll check back on you in a week or so and see about your progress. If you can see the error of your ways, maybe then we can be together. Otherwise right now I just really cannot see how I can be with you,” Richard said.
Katie began to weep into the phone quietly. He sat there silently listening to her for a moment then he cleared his throat and began to speak again, “I do care about you Katie, and I do want to be with you, that’s why I’m trying to save you. I just need you to see what I see.” Then he hung up the phone.
Katie sat there listening to the dial tone buzzing in her ear for awhile. Then she finally hung up the phone. She sat there twisting the tissue in her hands. Then she wiped the wet tears from under her eyes and took a deep breath. Finally, she stood up and walked to her computer. She scrolled through her play list, hit a selection and turned up the volume. The song ‘Every Rose Has it’s Thorn’ came blaring from the speakers. Then she slowly began to take down the pictures of the two of them down from her walls. She already knew her answer for him. She wasn’t changing herself for anyone.
